1. Quick-Fire Jokes
When I get rich I’ll start to collect French impressionist art. I’ll put my Monet where my mouth is.
My friend said my hair looked like a work of art. Haystacks.
I bought a French impressionist painting, but my cat scratched it. So I'm now selling it on as a clawed Monet.
A burglar walks into an art show. He shouts, "Give me all your Manet!”
Renoir and Monet walked straight into a hat shop. You would have thought one of them would have seen it.
I ear a new Van Gogh has been discovered.
Degas said that he stays alert because he paints ballet dancers. They keep him on his toes.
I went to the toilet in an art gallery. It wasn’t long before I needed to Gauguin.
The problem with painting seascapes en plein air is that the weather always changes. That’s why you have to get out there and seas the day!
Cézanne decided to trace his family tree. He struggled with drawing.
Eventually Degas gave up on his photography hobby. He kept losing focus.
My son is trying to change my will so he can inherit my Impressionist collection. He’s a man after my own art.
Two Impressionists had a contest over who was the better painter. It ended in a draw.
My friend bought a copy of Manet’s L’Dejuner sur l’herb. It was in mint condition.
Caillebotte made the mistake of insulting the paintbrush seller. He went very bristly.
Unlike the rest of the Impressionists, Durand-Ruel did not take much interest in Cezanne’s self-portraits. He didn't paint a good picture of himself.
Pissarro went to buy new paintbrushes, on the way home he couldn’t sit still. He was bristling with excitement.
After he was ridiculed for his paintings of cafes in Paris, Degas decided to take a leave of absinthe.
Monet enjoyed painting in his garden, especially among the herbs. Unfortunately he often ran out of thyme to finish them.
Monet often wrote to Caillebotte asking for tips about his plants. He gave him sage advice.
I heard Manet fell in love with a fencing instructor. She pierced his art.
Sometimes my artist friends get annoyed at me because I give such long descriptions but I’m just painting a picture.
I’ve been learning to read with a book on impressionism. The Cassatt on the mat.
I have the impression that the Impressionists’ Impressionist impressions are impressive.
The doctors say my friend is ill. She’s turning into an Impressionist portrait. I think she’s a picture of health.
I once knew an Impressionist curator who was also a violinist. I didn’t like him much, he was always playing to the gallery.
2. Question and Answer Jokes
Q: How many Impressionists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him it is natural light.
Q: Why did the student decide to study Impressionist sculpture? A: She loved arty-facts
Q: Why was Monet so prolific? A: He was easel-y inspired!
Q: Why did Manet ask his housekeeper not to use air freshener? A: He preferred plain air
Q: What did Cézanne ask at the record store? A: Do you have that on Cassatt?
Q: What did Morisot draw before she went to bed? A: The curtains!
Q: Why did Van Gogh become a painter? A: Because he didn't have an ear for music.
Q: What did Degas say when he couldn’t sell his ballerina paintings? A: Ugh! This is pointeless!
Q: Why did Monet paint railways stations? A: They were state of the art.
Q: Why did the Impressionists get into an argument with the curator of the gallery? A: He wasn’t in the right frame of mind.
Q: Where do the Impressionists go to buy drinks? A: The Le Monet stand.
Q: What was Pissarro’s favourite swimming stroke? A: The brushstroke.
Q: Why did Renoir give his father in-law a painting? A: He wanted to make a great first Impression.
Q: Why was Degas’ hair so long? A: He refused to go to the Salon.
Q: Why did Morisot cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What did the complimentary colours say to each other? A: Wow you look so great!
Q: Why don’t the Impressionists eat strawberries in winter? A: Because they’re not in Cézanne.
Q: How many dancers did Degas paint? A: Five - Six - Seven - Eight!
Q: Why was Sisley relaxed when his seascapes didn’t sell? A: He had an in-shore-ance policy
Q: Why did Degas start painting ballerinas? A: He put tu and tu together.
Q; What did Manet say to Morisot when he made her portrait? A: You’re a work of art.
Q: Why did Monet fire his gardener? A: He wasn’t cutting it.
Q: Why did the Impressionists have trouble understanding Durand-Ruel’s plans? A: He only gave a thumbnail sketch.
Q: Why did Cézanne pay a priest to bless his paintings? A: He believed in hire power.
Q: What is every Impressionist expert’s favourite ABBA song? A: Monet, Monet, Monet!
Q: What did Pissarro say to Monet when he was feeling down about his seascapes? A: Don’t worry, beach happy!
Q: Why did Cassatt often paint children? A: Because they are blank canvasses.
Q: Why were Degas’ political artworks unpopular? A: He painted with a broad brush
Q: What did the art critic say when Monet unveiled his new painting? A: “Wow! What a lily!”
Q: What was Manet’s favourite food? A: Arty-chokes
Q: Why did Monet struggle to sell his series of paintings from sunrise to sunset? A: Collectors wouldn’t give him the time of day.
Q: Why did the Impressionist expert enjoy flying so much? A: She liked to be en plane air.
Q: Why was Sisley so good at painting landscapes? A: He had it down to a fine art.
Q: Why did Pissarro struggle to paint Cézanne? A: He was no oil painting.
Q: Why did Gauguin get arrested? A: He tried to paint the town red.
Q: How did Morisot know when her tempera paintings were dry? A: She made egg-stra sure.
Q: Why did Cézanne write verses on the train? A: He wanted to achieve poetry in motion.
Q: Why did people object to Monet’s industrial paintings? A: They were afraid they would be tarred with the same brush.
Q: What kind of holidays did the Impressionists enjoy? A: Nights under canvas.
Q: What do you call a painter who claims to be Monet? A: A con artist.
Q: Why did the cyclops collect impressionist art? A: He had an eye for detail.
3. Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Monet. Monet who? Monet is the root of all evil!
Knock knock Who's there? Basil. Basil who? Frédéric Basil!
Knock knock Who's there? Art. Art who? Art! For art’s sake
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Art Art who? Art you gonna let me in?
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Caillebotte. Caillebotte who? I don’t Caillebotte all that, just let me in!
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Manet. Manet who? Manet-bourghs are keeping me awake!
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Garden! Garden who? I’m garden your paintings, that’s who!
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Impressionist! Impressionist who? No, we’re painters!
Knock, Knock! Who's there? Monet! Monet who? Really? You still don’t know who I am?!
4. Long-Form Jokes
A thief breaks into the Louvre and leaves with priceless paintings, only to find that his getaway van quickly runs out of gas and he is caught. When interrogated, he explains: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!”
Monet has lost his watch. He rolls over in bed and looks out of the window. “What time is is?” asks his wife. “I’m not sure exactly,” he replies. “Impression, Sunrise.”
A young Pissarro is at school. His teacher comes to his desk and asks where his essay is. Pissarro takes out a beautiful landscape painting and shows him. “That’s not an essay! Detention!” “But sir” cries Pissarro, “A picture paints a thousand words!”
A gentleman visits a museum. Suddenly he stops and says to the guide: “Ah, that's ugly! It looks like a corpse!” “I beg your pardon sir, that's a Renoir”, the guide answers. Further on, he exclaims again: “Ah, that's really ugly! It’s even worse than the other one!” "That sir, is a mirror!”
After months of struggle, Manet gets his first painting in to the Paris Salon. An art critic approaches him: “Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?” “Sure” he replies. “It's pretty much worthless.” “I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.”
Durand-Ruel is in New York. His exhibition of Impressionist works has been a huge success. The public is so enthusiastic about the new paintings, they love everything about them, but Durand-Ruel is getting impatient. He needs a way to finance the trip and no one is buying anything. In the end he cracks and shouts at the next person who praises him: “Enough rambling, show me the Monet!”
The Impressionists decide to take a trip to the coast to find some new painting subjects. They choose to paint the harbour. Whilst they are there, Renoir suddenly says: “I can’t do this anymore, no one appreciates our work! I should just start painting history works instead!” “No! Renoir!” says the rest of the group, “We can’t give in to pier pressure!”
Renoir and Monet are walking, chatting about Renoir’s recent trip to Italy. “It was amazing, I feel so inspired,” says Renoir. “It’s weird though, since I came back, I feel like my paintings won’t leave me alone.” “Well you know what they say,” answers Monet. “Absence makes the art grow fonder.”
The Impressionists are eating in a busy restaurant. The chef is stressed trying to fill all the orders quickly. He plates up the food for the Impressionist group and sends it out with the waiter, then he shouts: “Wait! Wait! I forgot to Cézanne!”
Cassatt is buying new art supplies. The shop assistant comes up to her, holding his hands out. He says: “Have you seen our new line of products?” Cassatt looks at his empty hands: “What are you talking about? There’s nothing there…” “It’s an air brush!”
Morisot takes a trip to the Isle of Wight. Whilst she is there, she decides to paint the sea. After a while, she looks at her work but all the colours were mixed up. She throws down her brushes and says, “I don’t understand, it a-piers to be completely wrong!”
While he is staying in Normandy, Monet decides he wants to paint an area where a ship had sunk. He hires a boat with a crew and sets out from the harbour with his paints and an easel but he has to come back to shore quickly because he is a nervous wreck.
One of Renoir’s paintings is finally accepted to an international gallery. He goes to see the work, which is hung next to Botticelli’s ‘The Birth of Venus’. He turns to his son and says: “Now that’s cause for a shell-ebration!”
Two models are discussing working with Manet. “He’s a gentleman, his paintings show sensitivity and he is a great listener.” “I agree, he always gives me brilliant advice.” “Yeah, he really gets to the art of the matter."
Morisot is buying paintbrushes in an art shop. The shop assistant shows her one brush and asks if she would like to go out to dinner with him. She looks at him and then at the brush and says, “No, I’m looking for something a little more Sable.”
Two rabbits are sat munching on some grass outside Cézanne’s house in Aix-en-Provence. One turns to the other and says, “Yeah it’s not bad, but have you tried Monet’s garden at Giverny?”
One day a wealthy client asks an Impressionist to paint his portrait for him. He wants to be seated in front of his great grandfather’s clock. When the painting is finished, the client is excited to see the finished piece: “It’s perfect! But there’s just one problem… the clock.” “What’s wrong with the clock?” “It doesn’t have any hands” “I know, I wanted the piece to be timeless.”
One day Degas goes to Cassatt’s studio. He has just found out that his paintings have failed to sell in an auction of Impressionist paintings. She tries to make him feel better but he sits down on a pile of canvasses and starts crying. “Please Degas!” says Cassatt. “You’re breaking my art!”
The Impressionists are discussing the fate of one of their friends. He can’t sell his work and is in danger of being ruined. “I feel for the guy but he’s too nice and his work really isn’t that good.” “I know, his paintings are always smudged.” “The problem is he wears his art on his sleeve.”
Renoir, Sisley, Monet and Bazille all attend the studio of Charles Gleyre, a Swiss painter. One day in class, they are talking about Gleyre’s homeland. Sisley says: “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland, I hear they have incredible landscapes.” Renoir agrees saying, “I hear they have delicious food!” Monet jumps in and says, “I hear they have fantastic museums!” Bazille is the last to speak: “And on top of all that, their flag is a big plus!”